Facing the Music
by Maggie1
Summary: Set after Hell's Bells. Tara goes to find Xander after he left Anya at the altar.


"Facing the Music"  
  
by Maggie C.  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and all the characters in this story do not belong to me.   
  
Author's Notes: Set after "Hell's Bells". Tara goes to find Xander after he left Anya at the altar.   
  
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Tara knocked on the door, but received no answer. She tried the knob - the door was unlocked. She opened the door and stepped inside. "Xander?" she called softly.   
  
He didn't answer her, just kept staring down at his hands as he sat on the edge of the bed. Tara approached him and knelt in front of him. "Xander?"   
  
He focused on her, and she swallowed hard at the utter anguish in his eyes. "I hurt her," he said in a hoarse voice.   
  
"I know," Tara said.   
  
"I left her at the altar. I hurt her, so badly..."  
  
"You're hurting too," she said.   
  
He shook his head. "That doesn't matter. Don't you see, Tara? The only thing I ever do is hurt the people I love. I ignored Willow for years and threw her feelings for me in her face again and again. I cheated on Cordelia. And now, Anya..." Tara wondered if he knew he was crying. "What kind of man does that to the woman he loves?" He hung his head down.   
  
"Xander..." she trailed off, not knowing quite what to say. She got up and sat down next to him.   
  
"How'd you find me, anyway?" he asked.  
  
"Locating spell. I took a bus here." She looked at him. "Why Oxnard?"  
  
He shrugged. "Seemed a good a place as any." They were quiet for a minute before he spoke again. "I'm not going back," he said. "I'm not going back to Sunnydale."  
  
"Xander, you have to come home. We need you."  
  
"No, you don't!" he snapped. "All I ever do is hurt people. I don't want to do that anymore." He closed his eyes. "Oh, God. How could I hurt her like that?"  
  
Tara sighed. "Xander, why did you leave?"  
  
"Because I'm an asshole," he said, disgust filling his voice. "A sorry son of a bitch that can only hurt the people I love."  
  
Tara ignored his self-deprecating comments. She had no idea what that demon had shown Xander, but after meeting Xander's parents, she had a pretty good idea what was going through his head. "You didn't marry her because you were afraid you'd hurt her. Like your father hurts your mother." He gasped and looked at her in shock, and she smiled sadly and shrugged. "I have a bad family too, Xander." He closed his eyes, turning away. "What did you see, in the visions?"  
  
He didn't speak for a minute. "I was hurting her. She had bruises, and I... we were yelling, and I picked up a - a frying pan, and I hit her with it." Tara put a hand on his shoulder. He swallowed hard as the tears ran unchecked down his face. "I- I heard her skull crack, Tara. I think - I think I might have killed her."  
  
"You know it wasn't real," she said.   
  
"I know," he said, his voice steadying a bit. "But I'm scared that it could be." He looked at Tara. "I can't risk hurting her like that. I can't. It would kill me, Tara."  
  
Tara held his gaze. "You are not your father, Xander." He looked away. "I know you're scared. But you need to realize that you are not him. You need to believe it, Xander. You are a good man."  
  
He shook his head. "No, I'm not. All I ever do is hurt people I love."  
  
"That is not all you do," Tara said.   
  
"Yes, it is."  
  
She looked at him. "Then who was Willow's friend all those years? Who protected her from the playground bullies and who made her laugh? Who's the one who's never given up on Buffy and has always believed in her, no matter what? Who made me feel welcome, especially after my family tried to take me away? Who was that, if it wasn't you?" Xander just stared at her. "You're a good friend and a good person, Xander."  
  
"If that's true, then why do I keep hurting everyone?"  
  
"People who love each other just hurt each other, sometimes," Tara said.   
  
He stared down at his hands. "But I left her at the altar. I really hurt her."  
  
"And Willow really hurt me when she cast those spells on me," she said. Xander frowned and looked at her. "That doesn't make her a bad person, just a person who did a bad thing." He opened his mouth, but she cut him off, anticipating what he was going to say. "And don't try and tell me it's different, because it isn't," she said firmly.   
  
They stared at each other until he looked away. He sighed. "I really messed up."  
  
"Yeah, you did," Tara said. "But that doesn't make you a bad person. You can't run away, Xander."  
  
"So what do I do?" he asked.  
  
"You come home," Tara said. "You apologize to Anya and you explain why you left. She might forgive you and she might not. But you need to try to work things out, because you love her, and it's worth the effort." She took a deep breath. "You make yourself believe that you are not your father and that you are a good person." She poked him in the side. "And you talk to your friends about what's hurting you or scaring you instead of keeping it a secret."   
  
He actually smiled a little at that, although his eyes were still full of pain. "I suppose I should have done that before I managed to destroy my wedding, huh?"  
  
She smiled back. "Yeah, but we all make mistakes. So long as you learn from them, it's okay." They sat in silence for a minute. "So can we go home, now?"  
  
"Yeah." He sighed and shook his head, standing up. "Time to go deal with yet another of my many screw-ups." He held his hand out to Tara.   
  
She took it and let him help her up. She squeezed his hand, drawing his attention. "You'll get through this, Xander."  
  
He smiled at her. "Yeah, I will. Because I'm lucky enough to have the best friends in the world. Thank you, Tara," he said sincerely.  
  
She nodded. "You're welcome."   
  
Xander grabbed his wallet and keys from the nightstand. He opened the door and motioned for Tara to go first. He checked out of the motel and they walked out to his car.   
  
"So," Tara said as they climbed in. "Do your thanks include control of the radio on the trip home?"  
  
He narrowed his eyes at her, but then shook his head. "Okay. But no classical music. And no rap!"  
  
She grinned. Her wide range of musical tastes never failed to drive Xander crazy. "Sorry. Once you relinquish control of the radio, you have no further say. You know that." He groaned as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Tara started fiddling with the radio stations as they headed towards Sunnydale - towards home.  
  
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The End. 


End file.
